>Hanlon, Schoenberger, and Neff
902 C Litchfield Way
Wilmington, NC 28405
September 22, 2005
Cape Cottages HOA
825 Lennon Dr.
Wilmington, NC 28405
Re: Your Endless Stream of Notifications
Dear Cape Cottages HOA,
This letter is concerning the endless stream of “notifications” you supply us with. Surely, we at 902-C appreciate your constant reiterations of the guidelines for our community. Thanks to all your letters, we now have an extra copy of the Declaration of Covenants, Conditions & Restrictions book to use at our discretion. If it would promote the same type of peaceable enjoyment of our fellow residents’ property and community harmony which you have so eloquently referred to in your latest letter, please feel free to offer it to anyone who has lost theirs. There is, after all, little sense in wasting trees.
On September 22, 2005, there was yet another formal letter sent to this condominium and its landlords. This time it was for a report of beer cans left behind our unit. You are hereby notified that there are two floors above our unit since you obviously have not noticed. Please be advised, furthermore, that since the velocity of gravity on planet Earth is 9.8 m/s2, beer cans fall at an alike rate directly to the ground from one of those two. The same logic may be applied to the countless cigarette butts on the ground.
We do wish to contend these findings. We encourage you, in fact, to open the lines of communication between you and your security guard. If you had done so beforehand, neither your original letter nor this one would be necessary, as he would have told you how often we, the residents of 902-C, spend time on our back porch compared to those who live above us.
We have adjusted to every guideline you have enforced. The table that used to reside on our back porch is no longer there. There are no more charcoal grills. We also have stopped leaving trash (namely beer cans) on our back porch. Thanks to the lovely residents who live above us, we no longer have to have gatherings at our place for entertainment. They’ve got that task pretty well handled, which they do with nonstop loud music. Again, the security guard can verify each of these points. Consider fining them and their well-to-do fathers in lieu of we three diligent students.
If you have anymore questions or concerns, please feel free to contact us. If not, please leave us alone to tend to our busy lives. To prevent further mistakes like this, we would like to extend to you our wide array of reading materials available at our unit to prevent boredom at the office, thus ending the desire to promote nuisances like this.
For the Residents of 902-C,
Justin Schoenberger, Tenant