I believe in love at first sight, innocence that is steadfast. It was there today as I walked along a shaded boardwalk and into the sun where I would forget about all my guilt, shortcomings, inadequacies and pain in just one moment. She had never known they existed or the suffering I had caused anyone; she was innocent in the whole mess I’d created. How she could remain so sweet, I did not know. The way she was able to grin with her eyes eluded me. The price I would pay to go back and see them before they could see me is insurmountable. The way they promised me I would be being the best man I could be just as long as I tried – as long as I was there when she needed me forever and ever – was poetry in motion.
The Lord is alive in everything, you know. There’s no science behind the way I knew her from the rest of the crowd I saw her in as I approached her on the wooden planks. Nothing logical would say I deserve the chance I’m getting. Human nature, statistics, psychology … throw whatever textbook information you want at me in this one. They all suggest there’s no way that little soul should have taken to a guy who’s as awkward and nervous around year-and-a-half-year-olds as I am, especially in the presence of two jovial grandmothers, a grandfather and a mother, but she did. It wasn’t much – those little gestures of hers she would shoot my way – but I felt them take control of me.
She’d look up at me for no reason with brown eyes that managed to be the same color of the most beautiful sunset. I did not ask for these looks – but she gave them to me selflessly. “Where have you been?” they’d say, like she knew all along that I would return. I should have been a man of the crowd to her, all things considered – but I was more than that. She was there – right there with me – and worth so much more than I have ever been worthy of. She wasn’t doing these things, I know – God was.
Her name is Kalista and she was born on a Thursday. I was not there.
Despite our sins, no matter our mistakes, our selfishness and terrible decisions considered, God has been in everything I’ve ever done (and not done). He’s been quiet at times in my life, but for the past 651 days he’s been screaming to me at the top of his lungs. I heard him as I tried to sleep throughout those days. He would shout when I was in class. His voice would fill my head when I’d try to write. Logically, I was making the right choice to finish school and focus on my career. That would make me happy, I thought. But God would keep yelling in tongues I could not understand. The right thing to do was in my heart, I now know – the wrong things were in my head. He was covering up the latter; all I could do was follow my heart.
And today I did it. I met that little girl who I decided would be the end of me without even giving it a shot. You know what she said to me? Try. Just be there and you will know what to do. Don’t think anymore, worry about things you can’t control, or attempt to be a superhero … just let your heart be your guide and I will show you the rest. This will make you happy.
Was it a little girl on the heels of her second birthday who said that or God?
Throw the practices of organized religion aside on this one. We mortals have pretty much screwed that up. I really don’t care what you want to call God, but anyone who truly believes there isn’t a superior being of some sort watching over us all has never been in my shoes.
Thank you, God.