>I drift through nights aimlessly, worked up and searching for something. I need a glue to keep me together, a bond to keep me whole. Satisfied, I am not; lost, I surely am. This is boring, repetitive and an annoying routine. Completion. Something to live for. A connection. My occupation may suit me, but it cannot make me full. It alone cannot bring me happiness.
At night I wake up cold and a little out of breath, as if I’d never even fallen asleep. Startled, I get out of bed and look for composure in the darkness; it is as empty and unyielding as this life. My family is gone, my friends have grown up. They all have lives without me. They are an audience of my past but unbeknownst to my present and uninterested in my future. I am a memory to them as they are to me, but unlike them, I cling to this sentimental remembrance during these times in the night.
I am happy when I see Kalista. I miss her when there’s nothing else to occupy my thoughts, like work or school. I breathe deep breaths and wish I were with her, hope I can read to her in an easy chair in front of a window. Will she be happy when she grows up? Will she like to read, jog, swim, be outside, write, talk, add, bike, or smile? Will God take care of her and me so we can be together and I can find out? Why did I skip out on so much of her life? Will she love nature and want to help others? These are questions she answers when we are together, but I later forget; they gnarl at my head like wolves ripping meat from bones as I lie awake under the moonlight at night. Will she be sociable? I hope she loves animals.
What’s worse is that I often find the completion and something to live for is her. She is miles away, a poison I’ve served to me; I drink it down by the day and rinse my mouth with it at night. I see her too little for me to make an impact. She needs to feel the security my dad draped over me before she knows it’s not there. I had nothing to worry about at her age and did not; she has nothing to worry about but I do. She needs my all, but it is over an hour away. It is the completion, satisfaction, glue, connection, thing and bond that I need to sleep deeply at night. I feel happy when I am with her, for she makes me smile and I think that’s what it means to be happy.