>Fat People are Bad for the Environment

>I saw on CNN this morning that there are certain precautions people should take to stay alive in this heat wave. They had a doctor on there who suggested measures that each entailed colossal wastes of energy, many of which involved using air conditioners.

To say the guy speaks a falsehood would be incorrect. Obviously, if your body temperature gets over 103 degrees you have to do what you can to bring it back down. I just don’t like the way the guy went about it – I think he’s addressing the problem from the wrong angle. Instead of trying to promote the redundant lifestyle of fat people who sit in air conditioning all day and drive their cars to the end of their driveways to get their mail, completely unaware of the harm they’re causing to the environment by doing so, I believe he should have said, “Well, if you’re not in shape, you need to get there. Obviously you’re body’s going to be working a lot harder if it’s pulling a load it isn’t meant to. You’re heart is like the engine of a car and is proportional to your intended body size … it isn’t getting any bigger or stronger just because you’re getting lazier and fatter. It’s kind of like a weed whacker motor in a semi truck for some of you rotund bastards, and this heat only makes it work harder, just like it does with a mechanical engine. Lose some weight – that’s how you beat the heat.”

Interestingly enough, this report was followed by a short segment in the “economic minute” on how gas prices are supposed to be 30 cents lower than they are now by Christmas. That’s just wonderful – superb, actually – because now people are going to have even more reason to drive everywhere. On top of that, it creates further justification for them to follow this great doctor’s suggestions and do terrible, wasteful and exploitive things to the environment like leave their cars idling while they run into the grocery store or wait to pick their kids up from the school bus stop. Thank God this decrease in gas prices occurred! Interstingly enough, the reporter explained it was due to the increase in production of the stuff. That really pissed me off.

Once again, you see, America has found a way to make things cheaper without having to alter its lifestyle or make any sacrifices. A few weeks ago, I heard the oil companies themselves disclosed that we’re not going to have any fossil fuels left in 50 years at the rate our greedy lifestyles are drinking it … I wonder how much longer we’ve got now that we’ve not only done nothing to conserve it, but actually done just the opposite.

I’m a big fan of survival of the fittest. I have no sympathy for people who are overheating in August because they’re overweight … Hell, I can’t say it’d necessarily be a bad thing if they keeled over in it. Survival of the fittest, right? The Cherokee Indians didn’t need any air conditioning, swimming pools, or cars to take them places, and they’d be just fine today if our illustrious ancestors hadn’t turned them into drunks and moved them onto reservations. They were in shape. Even our forefathers of this nation got by without being such a bunch of big babies. The ones who actually went outside and moved around on a daily basis survived – the fat ones didn’t. I can’t think of where the descendents of the survivors (us) went so drastically wrong.

I’ve got tips of my own for chubby people, ones that are a lot more eco-friendly than this doctor’s on CNN. If you’re fat, you probably hate the recent heat wave that has struck Wilmington. Even the Baptists are getting a bit overheated these days – and that’s saying a lot, considering they’re immune to Hell. I mean, even basic tasks leave skinny people sweating like fat people do when they walk up the slight incline leading into Wal Mart.

Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered, fat asses. Here’s how to stay cool.

1.) Jump in line for a free bath … at the zoo.
There’s a zoo in Bolivia that had an elephant last time I was there. You know how the zoo keepers treat these animals when there’s a 105 heat index going outside – they hose them down continually. Well, if that treatment can be used on elephants, it can be used on heifers. So jump in line and take care of business.

2.) Don’t pack heat, pack ice!
This one can be tricky, but it’s so worth it. Next time you’re at the grocery store, purchase a bunch of steaks from the meat department. They have to be frozen or it won’t do any good. Next, take those cuts of meat and tuck them in your natural kangaroo pouch between your boobies (fat men have boobies as well) and your belly and just like that, you’re good an cool for a solid 43 seconds. The hard part is remembering to take them out of your pouch once it’s time for bed … I’ve got a buddy who forgot one time and woke up to discover the neighbor’s dog lifeless and suffocated in his blubber. Apparently the meat had cooked while he slept and lured the dog in and … never mind, you can figure out the rest.

3.)Schedule yourself for ice cream injections.
I mean, the stuff is running through your chubby veins anyway, right? Why not just bypass the tedious and lengthy digestive process and put it directly in there? This is what you do. First, fake having diabetes so your doctor/crane operator (they’re basically the same profession for a fat person) writes you a prescription for hypodermic needles. This won’t be too challenging considering how your pancreas is so tired from producing enough insulin to counteract all the food you eat on an hourly basis that your blood sugar’s usually somewhere between 8 thousand and 30095. All you’ve gotta do is eat a little extra before you’re next appointment – something I don’t think is too much to ask a heart-attack-waiting-to-happen like yourself. The rest is easy. Stick the syringe in some semi-melted ice cream, pull back the plunger and inject it into your veins. Next thing you know, your body temperature has dropped from lava to 212 degrees … the coolest you’ve been since that day “someone” locked you into the walk-in cooler at that restaurant you worked at in high school.

Don’t listen to all the suggestions you hear about being overweight and how dangerous and avoidable it is. It’s your American right to be this way, so tell those skinny liberals to shove it.

I’m leaving for work now. We’re supposed to have a heat index of 120 degrees today … and I’m riding my bike. Kiss my ass, Doctor Moron.

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