>Dear Anonymous,

>This is in regard to the anonymous comment I received on my blog titled “Learning.” I hope to clear a few things up, then go to bed, not sure of whether I’m more disheartened by returning to Wilmington or leaving Western New York a month before autumn. First, for God’s sake, have the courage to state your name in situations such as these. Most news papers don’t print anonymous letters to the editor. Second (I’m just doing this to save face in case the author is someone I am connected to), nature’s there for every person beyond the age of diapers to experience all on their own, just as it always has been. That’s the beauty of it – it takes only one’s five senses to absorb. It’s not a tacky water park in Myrtle Beach or a two-hour slot in a movie theater … no ticket of any kind is required. It only takes initial appreciation and the ambition to act on it, so I consequently say that it is not my duty to get grown men and women to share my love for it. My two-year-old daughter, however, is another story. She obviously needs someone to show it to her. In fact, now that I think about all this, I’m going to take the Edward Abbey approach and say stay the Hell out of the woods if you need someone to hold your hand and lead you there. Chances are you’re just going to bring more closed-eyed people with you and leave a bunch of litter behind anyway. Thirdly, I’d like to point out that I’ve never referred to anyone who is fat as a meaningless blob. Yes, I’ve been cruel in many cases, but all in good fun. It’s meant with love.

This fourth point – my final one – gets its own paragraph, just because it’s something I just love clarifying (over and over and over and over again). I know that not everyone in the South is stupid. Again, I’ve never said that. Look through my past blogs. It’s just that the people who are stupid in the South are so ridiculously stupid that it brings down the appearance of the entire place. Take South Carolina’s representative in the Miss Teen USA pageant (or whatever it was). Her answer to a basic question was so abstract that I had to wonder if she was even serious. See? She’s the finest South Carolina’s got, and believe me, based on my experiences with the dames in Wilmington, North Carolina’s not much better (I can tell you a story entailing a certain nuclear missile saga in North Korea which demonstrates this point fabulously). But I want to stress – please notice I am stressing this – that, again, this is all in good fun. It is meant with love when I do this, and if you don’t interpret it this way, perhaps you shouldn’t be reading the blog of a guy who’s as sarcastic and cynical as I am. See, the deal is this: I don’t think all Muslims are terrorists, but I love to make fun of people who do by saying they’re nothing more than a slue of towel-headed, Koran-waving suicide bombers who eat children. Same with black people. I don’t think any more of them are welfare-sucking, lazy asses than there are white welfare-sucking, lazy asses, but I do love to make fun of the guys who do by “agreeing with them.” I don’t think there are any more dumb asses in the South than I do, say, in New York (ever been to Allegany County?), but since a lot of people do, I figure why not make fun of the stereotype. The majority of the population appreciates this humor as it generally eases tension surrounding an otherwise tenacious subject … but when people just don’t get what I’m trying to do, bam – I get accused of calling Southerners stupid.

Man, can a guy like me ever win?

In closing, it should be said that I do appreciate all my acquaintances. They are real daredevils, these friends of mine, for they clearly live life on the edge by accepting me when they didn’t have to. However, I can get by just fine without them, so I hope no one thinks I owe them a debt of gratitude for accepting me. (Speaking of which, what’s this “accepting” me bull shit? What am I, cancer? Geeze – this isn’t the best way to make someone think twice about being an asshole.) I am cordial in person and will only voice my opinion on matters when asked, but this is my blog and I reserve the right to write whatever I want. You’re the one who visited this site, remember, so I dare you to stop coming to it. There is no more loyal a readership than one full of people who despise you.

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