>Deep, Reflective Shit

>I have neglected my blog lately. I know.

Who’s the real loser in all this? You? Me? No, not either.

It’s the children who lose when I don’t write. And while I have no way nor ambition to prove this, I assure you that I feel it in my gut.

In all seriousness, I’ve been doing a lot of writing for my job, and it’s taken me from this. Those of you closest to me know what I mean, where to find it and why I’m reluctant to just put a link on my blog to it.

But tonight I ponder over something not suitable for my work, however, something that is excellent for here.

The passage of time.

Sucks, doesn’t it? I’m not even that old, yet I feel the clutch of memories sing as they cloak me with their icy grip.

Why, just three years ago, I was in my first year at UNCW, in the city of Wilmington and a world away from all I had known to that point in my life. I was caught up in the past – the belief that nothing people “down here” ever did for fun could be compared what the folks in my home region were doing.

It wasn’t until I returned home for the third or fourth time that I began to see life up there wasn’t as I’d remembered it – it was gone with high school. Unfortunately, the peak of it all made up my memory of the area, a much more than slightly biased one.

Before I knew it, three years had passed, my time in Wilmington was done and I’d moved on to other things. A real job. Raising my daughter. Looking for a house.

Now, I look back at that time in Wilmington – a time I hated because I’d spent it looking back, comparing it to an idealistic view of the best of my youth. Now, every once in a while, I want it all over again.

Damn it. Didn’t I just have this conversation with myself the last time I moved on to a different phase of my life?

Now I realize that this moment is the best time of my life. High school was fun. College was more fun. However, I didn’t realize these things until I was out of them, when I was looking back.

Don’t let the memory of the past inhibit the joy of the future.

So, that’s what I’m doing. THIS is as good as it gets. Tomorrow will be better; yesterday was not (better). It may not always feel like it is – and quite frankly, I have to remind myself of this pretty frequently – but I know a year from now I will see it as such.

It would be wonderful to believe it today, while it’s with me.

I’m only going up from here, you now. This job, my budding relationship with Kalista, my life … they’re on the upswing. Looking backwards from atop an upswing means to look down – that is where the past lies. That is where memories remain.

Now I realize I’ve been happy in moments all along, but haven’t realized it until they have passed..

Every time I place my feet in old footprints, I have not felt renewed.

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