Running down a dream

Note: I apologize for writing something emotional such as what you are about to read.

This is what I set out to do. Coming home this evening from taking my daughter out to McDonald’s and a movie – with, of course, a pit stop to Wal-Mart – I realized that I am living my dream.

I honestly like Kinston. I like the house I live in, where it’s located and the places I can visit. Three miles in one direction, I’ve got access to all the reinforcements I need, such as food, medical care and Diet Mountain Dew, while a short trip in any other direction sends me into an abyss of cotton fields, country roads and good people.

The good people are actually everywhere. It’s rare that I don’t see someone I’ve met through my job when I make a trip into town and even more rare when no one speaks to me regardless of if we’ve met. I like this very much – it’s something I grew up with but lost when I lived in Wilmington and New Bern. Glad to have it back. The perks I get for being a small-town newspaper guy are pretty nice, too. Today I got my taxes prepared by the head honcho of local tax place for free because of a story I wrote and Kalista got a free haircut for the same reason. They do it because they like what I do – and that’s payment that means more to me than any number on a paycheck.

The main thing, though, is my job. I could not imagine doing anything else for a living. It is a career, a passion and a love. I take great pride in relaying to the world what others have to say and like, though not as much, finding “hard news” for people they otherwise might not get to know about. I enjoy tweaking my stories, finding the best way to put things and coming away with pieces that readers forget they’re reading – pieces that read themselves to people.

I am blessed to earn enough money at this to take care of Kalista and myself.

The only part of my life that remains to be satisfied is affording my daughter with a mother. I seem to lack the desire for companionship and affection – I’ve become so accustomed to getting along on my own and have broken into a certain rhythm knowing Kalista is my little sidekick that I honestly think adding another person to my life would be nothing more than a nuisance. I am obviously fine with this, but I do long for Kalista to have a mother … so much so that I worry I may eventually look for a mate for this reason alone, and that is not fair to whoever this woman may be.

That’s a hurdle I’ve not figured out how to clear. A true dilemma for me.

Consequently, when the house is still and Kalista has fallen asleep, I think of how awesome it would be if her biological mother wanted to be a mother. I’ve no desire for the woman, but Kalista does – as she does for a mother in general. My life’s goal is to see Kalista happy and I worry she may never truly, deeply and unconditionally be until she has a mother. I would love to have Kalista’s mother be a non-criminal without a tragedy-stricken life and the medical history of a serial killer so we could make an “every other weekend” kind of setup – just long enough for Kalista to get her female figure fix – and return to me, who would be sure her social, educational, medical and security needs are met.

It’s really the only way for Kalista to have a mother without me being annoyed by another housemate. I hope God will take care of us, which would permit me to truly live a dream.

I am more happy for what the two of us have – each other – than I am sad over what one of us does not. It’s a pretty good life.

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