Fuck off, Toronto

“We are aware that there is interest in expanding the Bills in Toronto Series by an additional regular season game in the future. We’re also aware that our hosts have conducted a survey as part of their internal process of evaluating whether to propose an expansion of the series. We have an agreement to play one regular season game for the next four seasons. We have no agreement, nor has there ever been one, to play an additional regular season game in Toronto. Any such future agreement would require consultation and the approvals of Erie County, Empire State Development Corporation and the NFL owners.”

Those were the words by the Buffalo Bills regarding the alleged attempt by Toronto, Ontario, Canada, Don’t-know-what-the-heck-anything-besides-hockey-is-ville, to steal the Bills from us.

Here’s what the Bills and the NFL are thinking, but don’t really want to say because it would not be “professional:”

Dear Toronto,

We are aware of your interest in taking a mile after we’ve given you an inch in the fight to bring real football to your hockey-loving iceberg. We’re also aware that you’ve asked your drunken canuck fan base how they feel about this, and in their drunken stupor, they’ve responded with a collective “Hell yes, eh?”

However, if you try to take the Bills from Buffalo, you will do no more than piss us here in Buffalo right the fuck off. Don’t ask for any more than the bear minimum of games to be played in Toronto, simply because for every Bills game you creeps get, there is one fewer contest played in Orchard Park, New York … and it’s OUR team, you dumb fags. Failure to comply by these requests will result in the people of Western New York using pure Rust Belt muscle, which you preppy queers would know nothing about, to chop Canada completely away from the United States. Don’t think it’s possible? Just try us – you’re messing with the Bills.

See, Toronto, you and your stupid money earned yourself one game in 2008 – and guess what? No one gave a shit about it. The Bills are from Buffalo, and your citizens knew that. That’s why somewhere around – eh – 20,000 people were at the game last year – 19,000 of whom were Buffalo residents.

Canada, stick to hockey. If football were meant for your country, Doug Flutie’s cereal would have never been so popular.

Love,

The Bills – and the Sabres, bitches!

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