I don’t like old people. It’s official.

Here’s why:

They – now, when I say “they,” I don’t mean every old person because there are exceptions to any rule – have reached a point where anything goes. The world revolves around them in their eyes.

It gets worse the farther South you are, too, because I’ve discovered even non-old people are on board with this. “Disrespectful” is what my peers refer to it as when you call the old people out.

Recently I was at a Kinston Indians game and the sound crew had the music/announcer’s voice turned up too loud. While it was a nuisance, it wasn’t painful. No one in the crowd was concerned they were going to go deaf.

But here’s old man Charlie (I made this name up) standing up from his seat to yell at the press box behind him every time a song excerpt played or the announcer said something. Old man Charlie was pissed – acting like a pouty kid every, waving his clenched fists and delivering Hellacious facial expressions.

It either never occurred to old man Charlie he was the only one angry about this – or he was only thinking about what he wanted.

Sadly, no one threw any peanuts at this man. No one dared yell an anonymous “sit down” when he stood up or report him to an usher.

He’s old, the general consensus was – he can do what he wants.

Today as Kalista and I visited a friend who lives in a second story apartment, the elderly neighbor from below knocked on the door to tell my friend to stop banging.

Stop banging, old lady? Really? We’re sitting on the couch in front of the TV while Kalista explored the living room. Should we have been suspended in cocoons from the ceiling?

The second time she came to the door she decided to divulge she had high blood pressure, which is fine because I’ve come to expect the sharing of medical history when it comes to an old person lobbying to get their way. It’s a guilt trip that probably works on some.

Not me, though. If 25 minutes of a child’s footsteps in the apartment above you raises your blood pressure to near-death levels, how can you possibly expect to live through the night? Surely, fireworks or a car with a loud stereo will lead to her death.

Jokes aside, here’s what it is: these people have left such a long mark on the timeline of humanity that they believe they own it, so now they’re scarring it. They spent their years of non-senility honoring the wishes of old people – now that they are old, fuck it – they’re going to make the whipper-snappers pay for not being old.

Following this formula, it’s easy to presume the old people three generations ago weren’t so ornery. Each generation of fogies is trying to outdo the previous.

That’s why I urge all young people to stop giving into old people. If we don’t put the foot down now, it’s just going to get worse and worse.

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