Recently, I received an e-mail at my work address asking how residents should know if a tornado warning has been lifted. “We hear the sirens, take shelter and could be there for a week if we didn’t venture out to see what is going on,” it stated, later asking for any information I had.

Things I’d like to respond with:
– According to statistics I just made up, you have a 100 percent chance of survival if you vacate your bunker three hours after the initial warning, assuming you’ve packed lots of canned food.
– I recommend doing whatever you did the last time there was a tornado warning.
– The best course of action would be to construct yourself a periscope you could use to peer from out of your shelter, which I suspect is an underground bunker capable of protecting you and your little dog should the Nazi Army decide to attack. You can come out once you don’t see a tornado or Auntie Em’s house flying by.
– You don’t come out. Just stay in there forever. If you don’t have loved ones willing to inform you the threat has passed, odds are no one’s going to miss you.
– That must be harrowing. Hope you can get Fox News down in your shelter – just wait until the terror alert level goes below bronze. Then all you have to worry about are terrorists hi-jacking Blackbeard’s ship, terrorists bombing the Macy’s Christmas parade or terrorists doing whatever Glenn Beck warns you about.
– No one at our office can help you with this. See, the one person who has common sense here is off today. If you need me, I’ll be in my bomb shelter.

That’s all I’ve got off the top of my head. I’m sure more will come to mind once I get back to work.

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