The Dissociated Press
LOWDENSVILLE, S.C. – A man who blames the South Carolina public education system for making his son retarded is taking measures to ensure no other parent goes through the same.
Red Scarry, a 38-year-old pipe fitter, said he has e-mailed lawmakers, left “good and pissed off” phone messages with their secretaries and ranted like an idiot at local school board meetings since his son, 23-year-old Red Scarry Jr. – a full-blown, drooling retard – “came down with the retards.”
Scarry Jr. lives in what his father calls the “guest house” on the family’s three-acre property in the town of 212, about 10 miles from Abbeville – the “birthplace and death bed of the Confederacy,” according to logos within the letterheads of the town’s stationary.
Scarry, who has no teeth, said his son was fine when the family moved to South Carolina from New Mexico in 1999. But by the time he graduated, Scarry Jr. could no longer count past 69, eat food with a fork or – speaking of eating – dine in a place without a special section for black people.
“I didn’t notice it at first,” said Scarry, a former rocket scientist. “Then, little by little, I couldn’t stop noticing … my son had become retarded.
“Alls he could talk about was Jesus, guns and race cars.”
The father’s blame is placed squarely on Act 388 – state legislation passed around the time the Scarrys came to town that traded funding for public education from property taxes for retail sales tax. The legislation was spurred largely by the claims of rich white people, who live in what are known in history books as “plantations” but are nowadays called “ranches” in South Carolina, that it’s not American to make people pay for school districts they own second, third and fourth homes in.
Gov. Mark Sanford, who is a dumbass, seemed to agree – awarding the S.C. resident who brought the issue to light the Order of Palmetto Award, which is the highest accolade given to someone in the Palmetto State.
Meanwhile, school administrators are perplexed as to why Scarry is upset.
“He was the smartest kid in are school,” the head hauncho administrator, who wished to remain anonymous but can be easily tracked by searching the school’s website, wrote in an e-mail. “He did fine on all the once-a year tests that compare are school to other schools in the state … and won the Connect Four Championship in 11th grade math.
“I think he went to that University of Phoenix. That’s where they’re getting all the Mexicans out of North America. … God bless America!”
The head hauncho administrator was right. According to school records, which should not have been available to the public but somehow were, Scarry Jr. was actually the 2005 valedictorian for the school.
“I don’t care,” Scarry said when asked about his son’s accolades. “He ain’t right; he’s a retard.
“I caught him wearing a bike helmet for no reason and giving the UPS delivery man a big hug the other day.”
Trouble for Scarry, experts claim, is there’s no way to prove it was the education – or lack thereof – his son received that made him retarded.
“No matter what anybody did, he was going to be retarded,” said Dr. Don Chambers, a doctor chosen completely at random – who is actually an OB/GYN – for the purpose of this article. “Retards are predetermined to be retards before they’re even born.
“It’s even more definitive if one of the retard’s parents is a retard.”
That is the case for Scarry Jr., whose mother is a full-blown retard. Even his father has been accused of being retarded, neighbors say.
Further complicating Scarry’s case is the state in which he resides.
“It’s South Carolina,” historian and Devry University graduate Defferson Javis said. “There are retards, racists and toothless old hags everywhere.
“People don’t learn that from school, they retract it from their neighbors at church and the Department of Social Services office.”
When asked if he mean “contract,” Javis said he did not, and pulled out a handgun – one of four he said he carries at all times.
There seems to be little debate, though, about the retard population in South Carolina. Aside from mange, no physical condition affects a greater number of residents in S.C., according to the Centers for Disease Control.
“They’re undocumented, though,” Jimbo Taylor, a representative for the Department of Health and Environmental Control – established because “federal agents can’t be trusted,” according to one debutant – said. “There are more out there; we just have to find them.
“We’re still talking about Mexicans, right?”