Christina Aguilera not a good American

DALLAS – Christina Aguilera revealed Monday morning she doesn’t love America – and that’s why the washed-up teen pop star said she botched the national anthem before Super Bowl XLV Sunday night.

The announcement came via Aguilera’s Twitter account, which had to be decoded using the same skip-every-fifth-line pattern she followed for the anthem. The pattern also requires interpreters to replace words with articles they think fit better, dress like they’re at a funeral and make single-syllable words seem to go on for paragraphs.

“I knew it,” almost-vice president Sarah Palin at one of her sporadic press conferences that serve no purpose. “Bristol can dance … Bristol can sing.

“They should have asked her to do it. She’s a maverick.”

Nerds around the country who watch America’s biggest sporting event for every reason but to see a football game agreed via obscure social networking sites. 

Instead of singing, “O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming,” Aguilera offered, “What so proudly we watched at the twilight’s last gleaming.” And CNBC reported she might have added the word “oh” after the song’s last word, “brave.” The debacle went on for 1 minute, 53.7 seconds, in all.

Even someone related to someone who was deaf and blind could tell Aguilera sucked.

“It was awful,” said Felon Keller, whose great-aunt used to write books or something. “My heart bled for America.”

Some other performers at Sunday’s game, which attracted more than 100,000 in person plus 111 million TV viewers, were glad Aguilera showed she was not a pre-recorded mirage projected onto the stage, immune to human error.

“Thank goodness,” said will.i.am of The Black Eyed Peas.  “Now people won’t notice how much our halftime show sucked.”

His band – if that’s what this group of oddities is even called – members agreed. Their performance was an exact replica of every appearance they’ve made since 2010 and featured a bunch of mimes draped in Christmas lights.

“I got a feeling,” plastic-haired apl.de.ap said in a robot voice.

Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who threw two interceptions Sunday night and couldn’t crack a Green Bay secondary depleted by injuries in the second half, said Aguilera’s goofs more than made up for his crappy performance, both on the field Sunday and off the field over and over and over again.

Roethlisberger threw two interceptions, including one that was returned for a touchdown, in his team’s 31-25 to the Packers – a failed attempt to earn the franchise the Lombardi trophy a seventh time. Roethlisberger, who threw two interceptions Sunday, basically lost the game in the first half and couldn’t get it back in the final two quarters despite Green Bay – hardly known for having a stingy defense to begin with – losing star cornerback Charles Woodson to injury.

Roethlisberger, who threw two interceptions Sunday, missed the first four games of 2010 for violating the National Football League’s conduct policy. Roethlisberger, who threw two interceptions Sunday, was accused in early 2010 of sexual assault for the second time in his professional career. He also wrecked a motorcycle once when he was trying to be like the bi-polar quarterback on “The Program.”

“Now I can rape a ton of girls and get away with it,” a smiling Roethlisberger – who threw two interceptions Sunday – said after the game, noting that “ton” was a reference to multiple girls. “If anyone ever asks about those times Big Ben tried to put Little Ben where he wasn’t wanted, I’ll just say, ‘Hey – at least I didn’t screw up the national anthem before the Super Bowl.’ “

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