PETA to sue Jesus

CUBA, N.Y. – About a week after 1 million dead sardines floated ashore near a marina in California, one animal rights group is taking action to make sure the son of God doesn’t do it again.
“That’ll teach that son of a bitch,” Bill O’McCain, spokesman for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, said Thursday while wearing a burlap sack. “We will not rest until every sardine is able to swim with sharks, whales or any other fish he or she wants to.”
McCain said he didn’t care when told whales are not fish and would probably eat the sardines if they tried to swim with them. The sharks most likely would as well.
Jesus, meanwhile, said he didn’t give a crap about PETA’s lawsuit. He was identified as the cause of the massive fish death – as well as mysterious bird deaths in Alabama earlier this year – by a host of religious nuts and Fox News anchors.
After all, he is the son of God, the multi-million-year-old entity reminded a slew of reporters at a press conference outside the Shoney’s in West Clarksville, N.Y., Thursday afternoon.
“I’ll drink a calf fetus chopped up in a blender if I feel like it,” Jesus said, changing form from a burning midget to a burning bush, then to a rabid unicorn (also on fire). “I do what I want.”
Jesus continued, using his fingers to make air quotes when necessary: “I don’t know where these lousy ‘Christians’ get off saying I even did this. I mean, I could if I want to, but I’m not saying I did. Yet one or two of these assholes have a depression, Glen Beck or alcohol-induced dream about dead animals and suddenly I’m the ‘guy’ who did this. Some of them deserve to choke on communion wafers. I could make that happen, too.”

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