Simultaneously this evening, I sat in a recliner eating an entire frozen pizza and Doritos while I watched the 11 p.m. news report the following: 1.) South Carolina may have the nation’s eighth-highest rate of obesity, but people are working out and stuff to fight it, 2.) A metric ton of pork products wrapped in, of course, bacon was eaten at the S.C. Festival of Discovery in Greenwood Friday, and 3.) Police are on the lookout for the driver of a car that hit a cyclist on his way to work.

See? Exercise is bad.

Wait a minute. There was something on the news to refute that: Woman Loses 110 Pounds, Wins Miss SC. Not that being skinny and pretty alone wins pageants here in the Palmetto State. Remember this debutante? Nothing but brains, baby.

Back to the guy on the bike, since he’s the reason I’m writing this. Folks, you’ve got to be careful when you’re on the roads. For whatever reason, it’s still legal in S.C. to text, make a call, go bowling, check your bank account balance, use a fart sound maker or look at porn on your phone while driving. It’s also legal here to have baloney-skin tires, rusty brake lines on your too-old-for-Joan-Rivers and to tow an unlicensed trailer your kid made in remedial woodshop class. Remember, this is the state that hasn’t brought you a motorcycle helmet law.

So I implore the drivers of this blog to pay attention to what they’re doing out there. The government is obviously more concerned with their personal freedoms than non-motorists’ right to life, so it’s up to drivers alone to see a moving cyclist donning a reflector-skin coat and numerous lights on his or her bike. As was the case with the guy in this local news story, it could be a small child’s parent you’re running over.

That is all.

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