Not knowing someone

To those who haven’t noticed or taken the time to track my every move (lazy jerks), I’ve been spending moderate amounts of time online at night. This is specifically significantly more time than I have in the past year.

Facebook has become quite the thing.

I never went completely off Facebook – I just didn’t use it like I have in the past. Only recently have I started to spend more than five minutes at a time on Facebook. I’m glad I did tonight.

IT ALL STARTED with the suggested apps section. I usually just ignore this section because ever since I became single, it’s been overrun by dating apps … and I need to date about as much as I need to ingest a few teaspoons of antifreeze in my coffee every morning.

Tonight, though, one of the apps caught my eye. It was called “Whisper.” I was unusually intrigued.

Come to find out, this app allows users to post whatever is on their mind and it will generate an appropriate photo to run under what they’ve written. Exactly NO identifying information is required to participate.

I downloaded the som’bitch and waited. I’m always worried the world is going to end if I use an app that isn’t related to finances, football or the weather. I’m concerned doing something fun on my phone is risky.

When I logged in, I saw all kinds of “whispers” from folks just miles away from me.

“I’ve cheated on everyone I’ve ever dated.”

“I wish I could hate the people that hurt me the most … instead I love them despite it.”

“thought about killing myself today because of Dad.”

“I’m 110 pounds and so sick of hearing ‘skinny bitch.’”

“I wish I was as good at yelling at people as I am in my head.”

Instantly, I realized I wasn’t the only one who had these thoughts. Not the 110-pound one. I weigh much more than that and people rarely call me skinny and never call me a bitch. I’ve also never cheated on anyone, so I guess I can’t relate to that individual. Same with the suicidal person and the one who wishes they could improve their hating skills … we have nothing in common.

Still, I a sense of contentment came over me knowing there are many person outside of me going through some heavy stuff. We have that in common.

SO I GAVE IT a shot. Then I backspaced a bunch. Then I wrote it again and submitted.

“I love her but she’s mean to my daughter.”

Within 30 seconds, my phone was going off with notifications. Instantly, three people had clicked they “hearted” my whisper.

“F*ck that then,” one person replied.

Another complete stranger went so far as to offer this advice: “Lose her, bud.”

It’s the same advice friends, family and coworkers have already given me, which wasn’t necessary to begin with because I already knew it.

It’s the same advice my daughter gave me.

Yet, selfishly, I looked for an alternative for so many months. I asked God to say it wasn’t so. I pretended what was happening wasn’t happening. I find myself still making excuses, wondering what would have happened – what could have happened – if I’d just stuck it out.

But my daughter, who desperately wants a mother, advised me to rid her life of the closest thing she’s ever had to one. And I love my daughter with every part of my soul.

Yet it took complete strangers on an app with a name that makes me think of a sleazy bar in western Pennsylvania to solidify my decision to comply.

Hey. Who really cares if I’ve second-guessed myself and lamented over my decision to drop someone I loved for reasons other than I stopped loving her. Fact is, I never acted on it. I never regretted it.

And tonight, I’m even closer to never looking back … and it’s all thanks to people I’ll never meet.

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2 Responses to Not knowing someone

  1. Sharon Barber says:

    I am so very proud of you, What you did was very difficult. Nearly forty years ago, after ten years of marriage, my daughter turned to me and said, “Can’t we please go some place where he can’t hurt us anymore.” We left and never looked back. Sometimes we need to listen to our children in order to make the best decisions.

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