Parenting made easier

I spend 80 percent of my time at the grocery store buying things for my child, 15 percent for myself and 5 percent for our dog.

That’s odd because the dog is bigger than my daughter. If I get the flu one more time, he’ll probably weigh more than me.

I’ve compiled the following list of ways parenting would be easier if we treated our children and dogs similarly. (This is not the same as saying we should treat our children like dogs.)

Bagged food. Think about it. Parents walk up and down dozens of aisles, choosing different cereals, dairy products, crackers, breads, snacks … it’s insane, really. Meanwhile, it takes exactly 32 seconds to walk down the lone dog food aisle, throw a 50-pound bag of dehydrated horse meat under the cart and move on. Food for children should be the same. Compress all the food groups into cubes, bag it and sell it. And move on.

Hair products. This is a good one because it can work for full-grown women (otherwise known as “adults”) as well. They make a dog shampoo that smells like fruit, moisturizes skin and kills and repels ticks and fleas. Why do they not make this for adults? I spend three times as much on shampoo from the salon for my daughter and it doesn’t do a thing in the battle against ticks and fleas.

Brushes. Recently I purchased a brush for our dog that has a razor blade at the base of the bristles to remove loose hair. Meanwhile, my daughter is shedding all over the place in the bathroom, including on the floor behind the toilet (which I find particularly mysterious). See where I’m going with this? Are we too proud to hide a razor blade in our hair brushes because “that’s what we do for dogs?” Crazy. Just crazy.

Bulk treats. I know some places still have bulk foods and candy and snacks for children, but it’s just not the same as the bulk dog biscuits they have at Petco. We need to apply this to all solid foods. What if I don’t want to buy a dozen eggs? I may just want a pound.

Vaccines. I have a dog that weighs 100 pounds and runs around in the woods and fields, puts dead birds in his mouth and licks his private parts. Yeah, the shots are just like children’s, but once a month, he gets a pill that prevents flea and heartworm. Boom. That’s all I have to worry about with the dog getting sick. Why can’t there be a monthly pill like this for children?

I do have others. Many, many others. Someone should start a petition on Facebook.

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